So, the other day, as I’m rifling through the stations on the idiot box, I hit an image of a roid raging wrestler flying off of the top rope bang’n the elbow as he flew through the air. Nostalgia hit me on the nut like the foe of said high flyer and I couldn’t help but think back to the good ol Sundays watching the WWF at my friends place with his Old man. Ravishing Rick Rude, Honky Tonk Man, Jessie ‘The Body’, Mr Perfect, Jimmy Hart, King Kong Bundy, “Rowdy” Rod Piper, Bobby The Brain Heenan, Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, Bam Bam Bigalow, George The Animal Steele, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, The Ultimate Warrior, Ric Flair, Koko B. Ware, Ted Dibiase, The Iron Shiek, Jimmy Superfly Snuka, Jake the Snake, Junkyard Dog, Hart Foundation, The Rockers, The British Bulldogs, Macho Man Savage, Hulk Hogan & Andre the Giant. Seriously, I loved this shit. Literally ate it up in the form of Hostess chip WWF stickers and those WWF ice cream bars. Wow. Wonder what ever happened to my good ol pal, I should see if he’s on Farcebook.
“Found him, awesome!” Profile of him and his son, cool.
“Damn, wonder if he’s still pals with so&so, what’s his tits and what the fuck was his name again?”
“Hmmm there’s so&so, holy fuck! He’s still pals with him! Wow!”
2 hours and 15 or so friend requests later I have blazed a trail across his friends list that would have even the littlest hobo chasing her tail. Next day all of the approvals start coming in. Fuck, now I feel some sort of obligation to get into catching up with these people. It’s been 18 years since I’ve been in the old stomping ground, and I have to admit that I am a little curious how things have worked out for this collection of childhood pals.
The original pal is too cool to reply to my e-mail. Meh. Could have been the incident in Jr. High when I was blindly tossing rocks down a slope into a collection of bushes where the “cool kids” were known to hang out “reading” porn. So he ended up with 5 stitches across his forehead, frankenstien never looked so good. That’ll teach you for pulling yourself up the rungs of pubescent hierarchy…..they were only looking for a black friend anyway.
So&So, dude, what the fuck happened to you? The disarming smile I remember trying to perfect is still there, but when people call it a shit eating grin, I don’t think it alludes to eating as much shit as you can cram into it. What, you must be weighing in at a cool half ton. I remember playing Bantam hockey with you, puck bunnies lining the boards to watch you stick handle, whereas now I can see them dipping your arse in water to flood the ice between periods. And the shit you link on your FB page, were you always that ignorant?
What’s his tit’s, I can only imagine how rough a divorce can be, but to lay it all out on a second e-mail is a bit much. Looking at the family photo’s, the ones you haven’t had time to sharpie the harpy from, she did you a favour. This isn’t the time to be down, it’s a time to rejoice, she only managed to suck 80% of your youth, with the help of a good shrink, a few uppers you’ll be good as new!
Whosit, seriously, lay off the roids. Every single one of those photo’s is of some angry, bright red, gun toting, wife beating tosser. Life can’t be that bad, look at what’s his tit’s, he’s mourning over a meth scabbed skank who passed along a pocketful of STD’s he never going to be rid of. Losing her is the least of his worries. I knew you and your sister were closer then siblings should be, but suck it up, she married interracial. This shit ain’t new, and if you continue to “mask” that bigotry with the links you’re sharing on your FB page, you’ll alienate more than your family.
Hey, Failed NHL star. You had one good year playing for Vancouver, the group of us had many more playing street hockey. Remember the day you slapped the ball through the neighbors window and took off like she hadn’t ever seen us play on the street…for the past 5 years? Asshat. Accept my friend request, I need to live vicariously through your 15 minutes of fame. Although it’s still cool to know you did your part winning gold for us as a Jr.
So, I learned two things. Nostalgia is always cooler than the actual. And secondly, leave well enough alone. I lost touch with these guys because we were obviously growing apart, looking at where we all are today only proves more so.
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